Never imagined three things in my personal life, one that I’d actually meet someone who, according to me is the female and better version of myself. Second that I’d confess her my feelings and third, that I’d be happy even when she rejects. All these things happened with me in recent days. I can proudly say my 2020 ended better than 2019.
So her name’s Clara. Naah, she isn’t European or American, I’m not revealing her name. Clara is the best Latin synonym for her beautiful Hindi name.
Clara and I weren’t much close friends. We knew each other through some events we encountered together. From my previous experience of relationship, I never wanted to fall for any girl. Of course I did like some other girls but was afraid to fall for anyone of them, anyone but Clara.
Her firm voice, her wonderful eye contacts, her perfectly professional postures and a pretty face full of expressions, nothing can be this perfect. Dear Clara, these are not the only reasons I fell for you. Your respectful nature, your kind gestures and the noble habit of being true to the word are the very basic reasons. You may have your own drawbacks, you may have some dark side as well. I accepted you for whatever you are. You rejected me, that’s cool. I hope you rejected me for whatever I am and not whatever I might be according to you, cause like you Clara, I also have a complex nature. I also had a phobia of relationships and most of all I also look for someone whom I can trust. That’s why I admired your rejection and I understand the reasons.
Ever since Clara came into my life, destiny started to show some positive signs. I’ll share one moment. 25th October 2020 was my best birthdays of the last 6 years, apparently, it was the only birthday when Clara wished me. I saw her message right after I got up. I am a believer in destinies and prophecies. This was just one of those signs, there are too many others. Above all these, Clara gave me something which is of utmost importance, and even we men seek it from our female partners the same as they expect this from us, the feeling of security. I wish I could share how exactly she made me feel secure, but that’s supposed to be known by Clara only.
I can understand what Clara thinks of me. First of all we are on different pages in our lives. Secondly, she may not believe whatever I confessed her, and she doesn’t even have to, if she doesn’t actually believe me. Of course, that’s natural. I also happen to be her junior in academics who has many things to catch up to. There may be a lot reasons. Clara took too little time to respond, I was expecting at least a month. I expected that she’d ask me about my future plans but she didn’t. Anyways, it’s her decision. I can’t compel her to think positive of me, that won’t work. I’ll always say that she did miss the opportunity of having a trustful,loving and committed partner in life. One who has suffered a betrayal, will always care for the next commitment he gets.
I must not forget to mention the things I was looking forward if she would have accepted it. No no, don’t be awkward, I did not look forward for something which would have been very obvious in the relationship. I rather imagined listening to my favorite songs with her, making my special dessert dishes for her, watching some really good movies like Interstellar with her. One of the most beautiful dreams I had for her, was to go on a long trip. All these were meant if only she’d have responded positive, these dreams are now dormant.
The betrayal experience is given by my ex-girlfriend, Miss Curly (of course name changed) left me in ruins. Even after moving on with life, it was really difficult to move on with the heart. Never liked someone the way I liked Curly. The day Clara came into my life, this fact started fading a little bit every day until I made myself clear that I like Clara way more than I liked Curly, that Clara is the best female interest I can ever have. I can best explain my feelings for Clara with those of Saint Meera for Lord Krishna. That’s it. Call me a madman or a maniac, I had nothing but unconditional, pure love for Clara.
Whatever I had for Curly, I gave it to Clara a 100 folds. The reason is clear. Curly faked her love for me while Clara straightaway rejected without harming my esteem even a bit, which makes Clara way more loving and caring than Curly.
While rejecting, Clara asked me not to suffer. Darling, you’re the one who ended my sufferings in this regard. I was against confessing the feelings while you’re the one who indirectly encouraged me to confess. I had no expectations in the first place, why would your rejection bother me? And secondly, it wasn’t only about me. If anyone of us is not okay with it, both of us would suffer in that case. I’m happy you rejected and I love the fact that you lived upto your reputation.
So will I move on? Probably yes but not by my own. There has to be some mad lady to propose me by her own, or I’m anyway okay with arrange marriages. Clara, you still have a reasonable time. It may happen that you might want to change the decision, do whatever your heart says. Instincts don’t lie as you say, it’s true. I’m happy without having you, I’d have achieved devine happiness with you.
Dnyanesh Make the DPM!